The other day I was talking to my brother, and one of my former high school classmates came up in the conversation. For just a little background, this person used to bully me, and repeatedly threatened me with severe bodily harm. Fortunately even back then I was not the type of person who would just take crap like that from someone, so I resisted as best I could. However, I was also painfully aware that I was not the only recipient of the person's cruelty. Several others suffered much more silently than I did, which saddened and angered me.
My brother told me that he had recently seen this person around town. Recognizing my brother, my former bully apologized for the terrible behavior towards me, and told him how regretful they were about their actions and words. Surprised, I sarcastically remarked that I was amazed that this person wasn't in prison, let alone apologizing for their actions.
Later that night, alone with my thoughts, I thought about what my brother had told me a little more seriously. For the first time in years, I thought about the bullying and how I had responded to it. For the most part, I was happy I had stood up for myself, and sometimes for others who were being bullied. I did wish I would have done a little more of both, though, and perhaps a little more cleverly.
I also thought about the bully, and about how people can change. The person I was thinking about was from 14 years ago, an angry teenager who didn't seem to care about anyone. This person is an adult now, perhaps with a family of their own. Although I don't want to paint an imaginary picture, they may have made some major changes in their life and attitude. Of course, I am speculating. I don't know for sure if the apology was genuine, but what I do know is that it sure took guts walking up to my brother like that. And that in itself is a change.
Anyway, regardless of my thoughts about my former bully, several ideas about apologies stuck in my mind. 1) Realize that the character of the person may have changed for the better (especially if quite a lot of time has passed since the person wronged you). 2) If you're going to apologize for something, apologize to the person directly. 3) Apologies don't necessarily lead to immediate forgiveness, but can still be appreciated.
As for forgiveness, I'm not going to talk much about it here. All I know is that in order to forgive someone it is important for me to see a change in character, mostly to determine if that person will stop purposely hurting others (including me) in the future.
For a much more inspiring and gracious story of forgiveness (or perhaps 'non-forgiveness'), please read this article about the Buddha. As one might expect, he makes a truly excellent point which I believe we can all learn and benefit from (I'll give you a hint- in order for there to be forgiveness there must be a grudge in the first place).
Perhaps that is where we must all try to begin.
*****
Can you relate to this post? I know that I am certainly not the only one who was bullied in high school, that bullying sucks, and also that I did not get the worst of it. What would you think/do if someone who had hurt or betrayed you in the past apologized for their actions? What does forgiveness mean to you?
May all beings be happy!
*****
"True remorse is never just a regret over consequence; it is regret over motive." Mignon McLaughlin (The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960)
"Forgiving is rediscovering the shining path of peace that at first you thought others took away when they betrayed you." ~ Dodinsky
"To carry a grudge is like being stung to death by one bee." ~ William H. Walton
"I cannot forgive you because I have no grudge against you." ~ the Buddha
I also thought about the bully, and about how people can change. The person I was thinking about was from 14 years ago, an angry teenager who didn't seem to care about anyone. This person is an adult now, perhaps with a family of their own. Although I don't want to paint an imaginary picture, they may have made some major changes in their life and attitude. Of course, I am speculating. I don't know for sure if the apology was genuine, but what I do know is that it sure took guts walking up to my brother like that. And that in itself is a change.
Anyway, regardless of my thoughts about my former bully, several ideas about apologies stuck in my mind. 1) Realize that the character of the person may have changed for the better (especially if quite a lot of time has passed since the person wronged you). 2) If you're going to apologize for something, apologize to the person directly. 3) Apologies don't necessarily lead to immediate forgiveness, but can still be appreciated.
As for forgiveness, I'm not going to talk much about it here. All I know is that in order to forgive someone it is important for me to see a change in character, mostly to determine if that person will stop purposely hurting others (including me) in the future.
For a much more inspiring and gracious story of forgiveness (or perhaps 'non-forgiveness'), please read this article about the Buddha. As one might expect, he makes a truly excellent point which I believe we can all learn and benefit from (I'll give you a hint- in order for there to be forgiveness there must be a grudge in the first place).
Perhaps that is where we must all try to begin.
*****
Can you relate to this post? I know that I am certainly not the only one who was bullied in high school, that bullying sucks, and also that I did not get the worst of it. What would you think/do if someone who had hurt or betrayed you in the past apologized for their actions? What does forgiveness mean to you?
May all beings be happy!
*****
"True remorse is never just a regret over consequence; it is regret over motive." Mignon McLaughlin (The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960)
"Forgiving is rediscovering the shining path of peace that at first you thought others took away when they betrayed you." ~ Dodinsky
"To carry a grudge is like being stung to death by one bee." ~ William H. Walton
"I cannot forgive you because I have no grudge against you." ~ the Buddha
