The other day I was talking to my brother, and one of my former high school classmates came up in the conversation. For just a little background, this person used to bully me, and repeatedly threatened me with severe bodily harm. Fortunately even back then I was not the type of person who would just take crap like that from someone, so I resisted as best I could. However, I was also painfully aware that I was not the only recipient of the person's cruelty. Several others suffered much more silently than I did, which saddened and angered me.
My brother told me that he had recently seen this person around town. Recognizing my brother, my former bully apologized for the terrible behavior towards me, and told him how regretful they were about their actions and words. Surprised, I sarcastically remarked that I was amazed that this person wasn't in prison, let alone apologizing for their actions.
Later that night, alone with my thoughts, I thought about what my brother had told me a little more seriously. For the first time in years, I thought about the bullying and how I had responded to it. For the most part, I was happy I had stood up for myself, and sometimes for others who were being bullied. I did wish I would have done a little more of both, though, and perhaps a little more cleverly.
I also thought about the bully, and about how people can change. The person I was thinking about was from 14 years ago, an angry teenager who didn't seem to care about anyone. This person is an adult now, perhaps with a family of their own. Although I don't want to paint an imaginary picture, they may have made some major changes in their life and attitude. Of course, I am speculating. I don't know for sure if the apology was genuine, but what I do know is that it sure took guts walking up to my brother like that. And that in itself is a change.
Anyway, regardless of my thoughts about my former bully, several ideas about apologies stuck in my mind. 1) Realize that the character of the person may have changed for the better (especially if quite a lot of time has passed since the person wronged you). 2) If you're going to apologize for something, apologize to the person directly. 3) Apologies don't necessarily lead to immediate forgiveness, but can still be appreciated.
As for forgiveness, I'm not going to talk much about it here. All I know is that in order to forgive someone it is important for me to see a change in character, mostly to determine if that person will stop purposely hurting others (including me) in the future.
For a much more inspiring and gracious story of forgiveness (or perhaps 'non-forgiveness'), please read this article about the Buddha. As one might expect, he makes a truly excellent point which I believe we can all learn and benefit from (I'll give you a hint- in order for there to be forgiveness there must be a grudge in the first place).
Perhaps that is where we must all try to begin.
*****
Can you relate to this post? I know that I am certainly not the only one who was bullied in high school, that bullying sucks, and also that I did not get the worst of it. What would you think/do if someone who had hurt or betrayed you in the past apologized for their actions? What does forgiveness mean to you?
May all beings be happy!
*****
"True remorse is never just a regret over consequence; it is regret over motive." Mignon McLaughlin (The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960)
"Forgiving is rediscovering the shining path of peace that at first you thought others took away when they betrayed you." ~ Dodinsky
"To carry a grudge is like being stung to death by one bee." ~ William H. Walton
"I cannot forgive you because I have no grudge against you." ~ the Buddha
I also thought about the bully, and about how people can change. The person I was thinking about was from 14 years ago, an angry teenager who didn't seem to care about anyone. This person is an adult now, perhaps with a family of their own. Although I don't want to paint an imaginary picture, they may have made some major changes in their life and attitude. Of course, I am speculating. I don't know for sure if the apology was genuine, but what I do know is that it sure took guts walking up to my brother like that. And that in itself is a change.
Anyway, regardless of my thoughts about my former bully, several ideas about apologies stuck in my mind. 1) Realize that the character of the person may have changed for the better (especially if quite a lot of time has passed since the person wronged you). 2) If you're going to apologize for something, apologize to the person directly. 3) Apologies don't necessarily lead to immediate forgiveness, but can still be appreciated.
As for forgiveness, I'm not going to talk much about it here. All I know is that in order to forgive someone it is important for me to see a change in character, mostly to determine if that person will stop purposely hurting others (including me) in the future.
For a much more inspiring and gracious story of forgiveness (or perhaps 'non-forgiveness'), please read this article about the Buddha. As one might expect, he makes a truly excellent point which I believe we can all learn and benefit from (I'll give you a hint- in order for there to be forgiveness there must be a grudge in the first place).
Perhaps that is where we must all try to begin.
*****
Can you relate to this post? I know that I am certainly not the only one who was bullied in high school, that bullying sucks, and also that I did not get the worst of it. What would you think/do if someone who had hurt or betrayed you in the past apologized for their actions? What does forgiveness mean to you?
May all beings be happy!
*****
"True remorse is never just a regret over consequence; it is regret over motive." Mignon McLaughlin (The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960)
"Forgiving is rediscovering the shining path of peace that at first you thought others took away when they betrayed you." ~ Dodinsky
"To carry a grudge is like being stung to death by one bee." ~ William H. Walton
"I cannot forgive you because I have no grudge against you." ~ the Buddha
Hello Renata,
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in school I had a lot of people who would torment me in which filled me with great anger towards them! Now as a Buddhist and a Wiccan I look back at the people who have caused harm to me in a different scope, now I look back and realize they were my teachers, and to this day forth anyone who tries to inflict harm on me now as well, are also individuals that I consider as my teachers.
Hello Now! Thank you so much for your comment, and for sharing your experience here. You are so right about something I forgot to mention- that the people who hurt us can sometimes be our greatest teachers. That doesn't mean that it is natural or good for us to seek out people who are unkind to us, or that we just take someone's abuse, but like you I do believe we really can learn from this type of adversity.
DeleteThanks again for your comment, may you be well!
You said something I firmly believe - people can change if enough time has passed. Not overnight, and not everyone - but some people, in time, can truly change.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, DJ, for your comment. To be honest I used to believe that people could not change, but I have seen so many transformations of people in my life that I have changed MY view! I also appreciate your acknowledgement that people (usually) cannot change overnight. Change (especially for the better) takes time, and so we need to be patient with those who are trying to change, with often includes ourselves!
DeleteMay you be well!
Renata, it pains me to hear that you were bullied in high school. There were no bullies in my high school (a small town in North Dakota in the 1960's), at least to my knowledge. However, when I was about 4 or 5 years old, a friend of my older brother (who was 10 at the time) broke my toys a couple of times and then laughed. I hated it when he came over. Fortunately, he lived in a neighboring town and rarely came to our place. My wife, Yuko, who grew up in Japan has a story about a bully. Yuko had a friend in the ninth grade. Her friend was a shy, socially awkward girl who seemed to picked on by many students. A bully in the class went out of his way to threaten, ridicule and even physically torment her. One day, Yuko and her friend were walking home from school. As Yuko and her friend parted to go to their houses, Yuko noticed the bully came over to attack her friend. Yuko rushed over and defiantly stood between them, and with clenched fists, glared at the bully. He slunk away and never bother the girl again. Interestingly, the bully became Yuko's biggest admirer. I think he suffered from self-hatred, as many bullies do. If the bully in your high school has changed his ways, that's great. The world is a better place for it.
ReplyDeleteHello Dan, Thanks so much for your comment, and for empathizing with my plight in high school. Unfortunately the reality is that high school is usually a difficult time for most teenagers, unless they are at the top of the "food chain", -which I definitely was not! But as I said, I was always pretty scrappy, so I did not get the worst of the bullying, even though it did get pretty tough - and pretty scary - for a while there.
DeleteThank you for sharing your wife's story about dealing with her friend's bully- that was great! Yuko's instinctive reaction and sense of justice and loyalty is something we all wish for in a friend, but is also pretty rare. You are a lucky man! :)
Most of the time, I think standing up (peacefully, if possible) to a bully is the best solution, because it is not what a bully expects. I think you are right that a lot of bullies are full of self-hatred, which looking back, I think was the case with the person who bullied me and several of my classmates. Like I said, I don't know for sure if this person has really changed their ways, but I will say that walking up to my brother like that and apologizing took some guts! And that in itself is a change.
May you be well!