The pitfalls of "perfection"

As I sit to write each BCB post, I know that the flow of words from my mind and into the keyboard are heavily influenced by something that nags me in other areas of my life. What is it, you ask? 

Perfection.

Or, because I am aware that perfection does not actually exist, the pursuit of. Although I said at the beginning of this gratitude practice that I wouldn't get hung up writing the 'perfect post' for important people and events in my life, I admit, I totally have. 

And really, I should not be the least bit surprised. This is because despite my relatively newfound ability to let a lot of things go, I still put ample pressure on myself to be/do/have the best. I acknowledge that this form of pressure is a double-edged sword; in some instances it has propelled me towards perseverance and success, in others it has paralyzed me with doubt and fear of failure. 

In terms of my writing, for most of my life people have told me that I have a knack for it. That is, until the end of graduate school. After a harrowing experience trying to write, finish, and submit my dissertation, the words of one of my committee members rings in my ears while composing anything science-related. She said, "Scientific writing is precise writing. You need to learn how to be more precise with your words."

Although I don't quite think my scientific writing resembled random prose drafted in a drunken fog, the advice was appropriate- and she was right about the importance of precision. It has been of great help professionally, as I communicated with students and authored laboratory exercises and manuals. Consequently, I believe that advice has also filtered into my BCB posts, especially those focused on gratitude. 

I attribute that need for precision to the personal desire of conveying my gratitude for loved ones and the many things they have done to bring so much joy to my life. But in my efforts I do feel a little bit at a loss. Writing meaningful posts that accurately portray the merits of a person dear to me are taken so seriously that sometimes I get stuck. Yes, the feelings are there and the thoughts flow naturally, but it takes many tweaks and coming back to the post again and again before I finally hit 'publish'. Although it is good to take pride in my own writing, sometimes it's just like, 'Why can't I just communicate without second-guessing myself?!' 

I know in my heart it is because I want to honor the people I care about, and it is not my nature to just crank out posts as part of some spiritual to-do list. That is not what this is about. But in the midst of my quest to infuse truth, clarity, emotion, and brevity in my writing, I do sometimes get impatient with myself. I often feel that the drive of writing the 'perfect post' is holding me back, that I need to find a kind of writing 'Middle Way'. I don't have an answer, but perhaps you do. And you know that any good advice is something I would definitely be grateful for. 😊

Caption: Beauty has its flaws, as flaws themselves can accentuate beauty.

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This post is part of the gratitude practice I am working on. Curious? You can read all about it at ByChanceBuddhism!

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May all beings be happy!    

Empty dishwasher, thankful heart

Okay so hate is a strong word, but for anyone who knows anything about my daily routine, I absolutely loathe unloading the dishwasher. It is not so much the task itself, but the fact that it is just one of those household chores that wreaks havoc if not promptly attended to. In our tiny kitchen, any delay in unloading the dishwasher seems to quickly bring about cataclysmic disorder that results in a sink, table, and counters littered with dirty dishes and other miscellaneous items. Ugh! At the risk of sounding dramatic, that is just too much pressure to deal with at the beginning of another busy day! 😜

Today I got up extra early so that I could take a walk and run some errands before attending a morning yoga class. Since my clothes, mat, etc. were ready the night before, my outing was not too hectic, but I knew that I would have a substantial pile of work waiting for me when I returned home. After thanking my husband for feeding our little one breakfast and getting her ready for the day, I kissed him goodbye and turned to the tasks at hand. Ready to just get it out of the way, I opened the dishwasher to begin the dreaded clearing. 

Lo and behold, it was EMPTY! My husband had kindly taken the time to unload it, and it was absolutely ridiculous how happy it made me. Due to our current schedule this may now just happen occasionally, it reminds me of when my dear mother-in-law cleared the dishwasher almost every single day of my in-laws' visit, and how much I appreciated that. 

Although it might seem silly to gush about an unloaded dishwasher, I think the bigger lesson is how the helping hands of our loved ones can lighten our workload and lift our spirits. And that is indeed a wonderful thing to be grateful for 💗

Caption: The joys of an empty dishwasher in the morning- Yay! 😀

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This post is part of the gratitude practice I am developing. Curious? You can read all about it at ByChanceBuddhism!

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May all beings be happy!    

Stories of love

After returning from my parents' house following the Christmas holiday, we soon suspected that we had left one of our daughter's favorite bedtime stories, 'The Poky Little Puppy's Wonderful Winter Day' behind. Fortunately she wasn't too upset about it (something else to be grateful for!), but I still gave my mom a call to see what happened to it. A woman on a mission, she soon found it, and before I knew it, an envelope arrived in our mailbox. It contained not only the book in question, but a kind note from 'Oma' and some fun stickers.

Although this alone was a wonderful and kind surprise, there's more to it. This book is special to me not only because my daughter loves it, but because it was also one of my favorite books. I loved how the Poky Little Puppy had so much fun in the snow, how his snow angel looked like 'a fat little sausage', and how he was too tired to finish his strawberry shortcake after all his adventures. I still love these things, and it seems my daughter does too. But most of all I love how my mother's voice rings in my ears as I read the last line of the story, "Mother tucked them all in . . . one, two, three, four, five little puppies, all happily dreaming of their wonderful winter day." 

The same is true for the oh-so-many stories my mother read to me at countless bedtimes, over and over again. Of all of the moments of my childhood, I count those as some of the most precious, as they all meld together as one beautiful expression of kindness and love. Now time has passed and I am the one reading 'The Poky Little Puppy' (and many others) to my own daughter, and so it is for these memories I am so very grateful.  

Caption: Don't worry Mama, it didn't get lost in the mail!😊

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This post is part of the daily gratitude practice I am currently developing. Curious? You can read all about it at ByChanceBuddhism!

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May all beings be happy!    

Our 'first' date

While at my parents' house for the Christmas holiday, my husband and I did something totally outrageous . . . we had our first date since BEFORE our daughter was born over two years ago! I know, way overdue, but ours is the same story as so many other couples with small children; there aren't many people around us who we feel comfortable asking to watch our daughter, so the opportunity for a 'date night' is pretty slim. 

Although our toddler usually sleeps through the night, she goes to bed a bit later than other children her age, making an actual date 'night' more difficult. So, I decided to get a little creative. I asked myself, why does it have to be a date 'night'? Why couldn't we go do something during the day, like lunch and a nice walk together? So I asked my mom and my sister if they wouldn't mind humoring us and watching our little Lotus Blossom while we went for lunch at a favorite local restaurant. To my utmost relief, they said yes, and assured me that everything would go without a hitch. 

With our daughter in the care of our own family experts, my husband and I had a wonderful, peaceful lunch, complete with Prosecco and a delicious crème brûlée. What's more, we were served by our favorite waitress in the world, who happens to be my niece 😀. Between our non-kid related conversations (my husband knew instinctively!), we were able to enjoy chatting and joking with her throughout the meal. Needless to say, the service was impeccable, and we had a nice, leisurely meal that I know I will remember for a long time.    

I did not ask my husband directly whether he had been looking forward to our date, but I know that I certainly was. When I say that our daughter is usually very sweet, fun, and well-behaved, I mean it. But even parents who are generally proud of their child's behavior need not only a break, but a chance to reconnect as couple. So, it is for this experience and everyone who made it possible, I am truly grateful.  

Image: Romance in the air! :)

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This post is part of the daily gratitude practice I am working to develop. Curious? You can read all about it at ByChanceBuddhism!

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May all beings be happy!    

What 'sucks' right now

After a full year of 'counting my blessings' and slowly working towards developing a viable gratitude practice, I pause. When it comes to how I approach obstacles and daily life in general, I compare the attitude I have now to over a year ago and am truly amazed. Despite being so tired, frustrated, discouraged, and completely unsure of what to do about it, that initial intuition to turn towards gratitude in the face of adversity has changed my life.    

But I think it is also important to discuss how it hasn't. As I have mentioned before, practicing gratitude cannot directly obliterate one's problems, and it sure as hell doesn't make the feelings about those problems go away. To illustrate that my life is in fact not perfect, I thought I would go out on a limb and quickly list what is not so great right now. 

Here are some things I struggle with on a daily basis:
My body image. I long to feel comfortable in my own skin (or even my own clothes!), and more like the woman I used to be.
After losing almost all the 'baby weight' I fell off the wagon and gained back more than ten pounds. Getting back to my former shape has been so incredibly hard, and I am so angry at myself for relapsing.
Wishing we could live in a spacious house with a yard, instead of a small apartment in (what I call) 'suburban hell'.
Feeling overwhelmed by clearing, organizing, or otherwise trying to manage clutter.
After almost a year and a half of applications and interviews, I am still unemployed.
Fearing that I will never teach again.
The fact that my dissertation work remains unpublished hangs over my head as a personal failure.
After having a child, saving money has basically come to a standstill.
After caring for a toddler all day, I have very little patience left, either for my husband or myself.
I don't see most of my friends anymore, and feel very isolated.
When I actually do spend time with others, I feel as though no one cares about how I am doing or what I have to say.
I hate that there is so much traffic where we live.
I wish I had more time to myself, and more time with my husband for us to reconnect as a couple.
I wish I could get more sleep (or, more correctly, that my daughter would sleep better!).
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So there it is, 'what sucks right now', for better or for worse. But the point is not for me to wallow in it, or for you to feel sorry for me. In fact, I would actually really hate it if you did that, because I know that you have your own problems to deal with! 

When I read through the list of problems, I notice that most of them have not changed much. So it makes sense to ask, if the problems are still there, then what is the point of practicing gratitude? Well, first of all, using gratitude as a 'magic eraser' was never my motivation to begin with. When first embracing gratitude, I knew that I needed another way to view my own life, because the lens of resentment and pessimism certainly wasn't working. I also realized that I was letting my negative feelings and emotions obscure some of the best things in life, and wanted to change that. 

Fast forward to now, gratitude has clearly brought about that change in my life, even if it is a slow, day by day process. Whenever I take a moment to acknowledge all that is good in this life, the importance of any problem automatically fades. I also realize that they do not define me. Practicing gratitude has helped me take a big step back from my personal problems and view them more logically, even critically, and with less drama. This in turn has led to obstacles seeming much less formidable (note, I didn't say 'easier') to confront, and ultimately overcome. Most importantly though, gratitude has allowed me to let go and just celebrate the wonderful things, experiences, and people in my life, which was one of my major motivations to begin this journey.  

So, in closing, I just want to emphasize that it's okay to have problems, frustrations, and negative emotions. It is simply part of being human. But giving them free reign to take over your life, to slowly rob you of your happiness does not have to be. Practicing gratitude can help us shift our focus away from ruminating about everything we dislike or cannot control, and towards truly illuminating and rejoicing in all that we love. This has been my experience, and what I would also hope for anyone practicing or just embarking upon inviting gratitude in their own life. 

Image: Illuminating gratitude. 

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This post is part of the daily gratitude practice I am working to develop. You can read all about it at ByChanceBuddhism!

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May all beings be happy!    

Just scratching the surface

As I arrive at the one-year anniversary of when I started this gratitude practice, I am aware that it is still clearly in its early stages. Despite my efforts, I have yet to develop a consistent gratitude ritual/meditation that serves as a reminder when I am not writing here at BCB. Over the past year, I have not carried out some of the 'acts of gratitude' for people who have stood out in their love and support for me and everything I hold dear in life. Finally, there are still so many people whom I wish to thank, but I have not yet written the posts acknowledging their kindnesses.

But nevertheless, things have progressed. A year ago my mind and attitude were in such a stark place; sinking ever downwards. I knew that I was not where I wanted to be, but hadn't quite devised a plan that could successfully ease my own suffering; let alone confer benefits beyond myself.

Enter gratitude. At the time I thought that with all the mental baggage I was sorting through, finding things to be grateful for and expressing that gratitude in a genuine way would be so difficult. Only it wasn't. Instead, I soon felt gratitude flow into my heart as I was going about my daily tasks and interactions with the people I love. The time was right and I was ready for all gratitude had to offer.

Although gratitude does not automatically erase all mistakes and bad feelings, it quickly became a refuge that shielded me from the fallout caused by negative emotions and events. Rather than being a place of denial and aversion, gratitude steered me towards a place of truth where I acknowledged the ups and downs of reality, but also rejoiced in what was good.

So here I am, a little over a year later, and, in terms of expressing gratitude, I have but only scratched the surface. But when I really step back to think about it, did I ever really believe that I would be 'done' with this practice, that I could actually say 'that's enough'? I don't think so.

But I do think that now it is clear that I must continue onwards, expanding and deepening this sacred practice that I am so grateful for, in and of itself.

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This post is part of the daily gratitude practice I am working to develop. You can read all about it at ByChanceBuddhism!

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May all beings be happy!