What 'sucks' right now

After a full year of 'counting my blessings' and slowly working towards developing a viable gratitude practice, I pause. When it comes to how I approach obstacles and daily life in general, I compare the attitude I have now to over a year ago and am truly amazed. Despite being so tired, frustrated, discouraged, and completely unsure of what to do about it, that initial intuition to turn towards gratitude in the face of adversity has changed my life.    

But I think it is also important to discuss how it hasn't. As I have mentioned before, practicing gratitude cannot directly obliterate one's problems, and it sure as hell doesn't make the feelings about those problems go away. To illustrate that my life is in fact not perfect, I thought I would go out on a limb and quickly list what is not so great right now. 

Here are some things I struggle with on a daily basis:
My body image. I long to feel comfortable in my own skin (or even my own clothes!), and more like the woman I used to be.
After losing almost all the 'baby weight' I fell off the wagon and gained back more than ten pounds. Getting back to my former shape has been so incredibly hard, and I am so angry at myself for relapsing.
Wishing we could live in a spacious house with a yard, instead of a small apartment in (what I call) 'suburban hell'.
Feeling overwhelmed by clearing, organizing, or otherwise trying to manage clutter.
After almost a year and a half of applications and interviews, I am still unemployed.
Fearing that I will never teach again.
The fact that my dissertation work remains unpublished hangs over my head as a personal failure.
After having a child, saving money has basically come to a standstill.
After caring for a toddler all day, I have very little patience left, either for my husband or myself.
I don't see most of my friends anymore, and feel very isolated.
When I actually do spend time with others, I feel as though no one cares about how I am doing or what I have to say.
I hate that there is so much traffic where we live.
I wish I had more time to myself, and more time with my husband for us to reconnect as a couple.
I wish I could get more sleep (or, more correctly, that my daughter would sleep better!).
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So there it is, 'what sucks right now', for better or for worse. But the point is not for me to wallow in it, or for you to feel sorry for me. In fact, I would actually really hate it if you did that, because I know that you have your own problems to deal with! 

When I read through the list of problems, I notice that most of them have not changed much. So it makes sense to ask, if the problems are still there, then what is the point of practicing gratitude? Well, first of all, using gratitude as a 'magic eraser' was never my motivation to begin with. When first embracing gratitude, I knew that I needed another way to view my own life, because the lens of resentment and pessimism certainly wasn't working. I also realized that I was letting my negative feelings and emotions obscure some of the best things in life, and wanted to change that. 

Fast forward to now, gratitude has clearly brought about that change in my life, even if it is a slow, day by day process. Whenever I take a moment to acknowledge all that is good in this life, the importance of any problem automatically fades. I also realize that they do not define me. Practicing gratitude has helped me take a big step back from my personal problems and view them more logically, even critically, and with less drama. This in turn has led to obstacles seeming much less formidable (note, I didn't say 'easier') to confront, and ultimately overcome. Most importantly though, gratitude has allowed me to let go and just celebrate the wonderful things, experiences, and people in my life, which was one of my major motivations to begin this journey.  

So, in closing, I just want to emphasize that it's okay to have problems, frustrations, and negative emotions. It is simply part of being human. But giving them free reign to take over your life, to slowly rob you of your happiness does not have to be. Practicing gratitude can help us shift our focus away from ruminating about everything we dislike or cannot control, and towards truly illuminating and rejoicing in all that we love. This has been my experience, and what I would also hope for anyone practicing or just embarking upon inviting gratitude in their own life. 

Image: Illuminating gratitude. 

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This post is part of the daily gratitude practice I am working to develop. You can read all about it at ByChanceBuddhism!

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May all beings be happy!