To my husband

In continuing my journey into a long-term gratitude practice, the next person to whom I would like to express the utmost thanks is my husband. A wonderful, caring man with a pun-based, sometimes irreverent sense of humor to match my own, he is the husband I had always hoped for and dreamed of.

I think the best way to thank him would to list the things I appreciate the most, though I am certain that list would be far from fully complete.

To my dear husband, thank you so much for:

• being a true partner in everything, from baby care to bill paying to cooking and housework. Rather than 'helping around the house', you see us as a team, and demonstrate that every day through your actions.
• taking such good care of me and baby postpartum. You waited on us hand and foot, and never complained once about how exhausted you were. I am certain that my speedy healing and recovery was because of you.
• listening to my new motherhood woes, and for your empathy and understanding when things get tough.
• calling me every day to ask how things are going.
• giving me such a beautiful, smart, and sweet little daughter.
• being such an amazing, loving father.
• always wanting me to reach my full potential, and being flexible enough so we can work together to bring my career goals within reach.
• coming from such a kind, wonderful, accepting family.
• the cultural richness and fascinating new worlds you have shown me.
• exposing me to different types of music and movies.
• valuing my opinions and showing such respect for my mind and intellect.
• talking to me about your research and things that interest you.
• having your own style of romance- I know that every hug, kiss, and sweet gesture is unique to you and from the heart.
• making me laugh so much, no matter what is going on in our lives.
• being you.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you Vinay, I love you so much!

*****
This is an entry for the Gratitude practice I am slowly developing during 2018. Please feel free to read all about it here. 
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May all beings be happy!

Thank you Mama

My first expression of gratitude this year goes back to the very beginning- represented by the wonderful, amazing woman who is my mom. I honestly don't know what to write - how do you thank the person who carried you and gave you life? But I will write that she is a huge part of who I am today. Not only has she done all the things a good mother does, such as keeping me fed, clothed, safe, and feeling very loved, but she has taught me so much. There were of course several important teachers along the way, but I count her as the first person in my life who ignited my interest in and passion for nature, specifically those mysterious beings we call plants. 

She also taught me how to behave myself, be considerate to others, and to think for myself. Guiding me through childhood with her own brand of fair but no-nonsense discipline, she also became my close friend and confidant during those awkward teen years, and has remained so ever since. Though I am now married with a family of my own, she is still a beacon of wisdom, comfort, and incredible strength, and a faithful source of wittiness and sassy humor during both good and not-so-good times.

Mama, I know you have worked so hard and sacrificed so much for your children. I also know there were many things you could not do or experience because of our existence. But I want you to know that the gratitude I feel for all you've done comes not only from the bottom of my heart, but from the core of my being. 

With deepest gratitude I thank you Mama- I love you so much.  

*****

This is an entry for the Gratitude practice I am slowly developing during 2018. Please feel free to read all about it here. 

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May all beings be happy! 

A year of Gratitude, day by day

Dear Reader,

The end of 2017 was similar to the end of other years. But over the past decade of my life the hope that the coming year would be better than the last has slowly given way to a sense of dread and thoughts of "what else is going to happen this year?"

A few days before New Year's I took a short, solitary walk in the frigid cold of Upstate New York as dusk started to settle in. As I reached the end of the long driveway I was amazed that the only sound I could hear was my heart pounding in my chest. Yes, the only sound. After straining my ears for several minutes, I could hear airplanes flying very high overheard. 

I haven't experienced such stillness for a very long time. As walks like these tend to be thought-provoking, I realized that I need this stillness every now and then (perhaps this country girl has overstayed her time in suburbia?). My mind also lingered on the now familiar sense of dread I feel every new year (and now, on an almost daily basis), and the sad refrain from John Mellencamp's "Jack and Diane" came to mind:

Oh yeah, life goes on,

Long after the thrill of living is gone,

Oh yeah he says life goes on, 

Long after the thrill of living is gone. 

How sad indeed- especially since now I was beginning to feel the same way about my own life, that the thrill of my youth and everything about it was beginning to fade. But a voice way in the back of my mind protested- I'm too young to feel this way! Even in the face of my somber mood it persisted, saying life is too short - and precious - to ever feel this way. 

The ups and downs of the past few years have proven this in spades- yet for me there was really no answer for this in terms of taking action. 

However, I now know what I need to do, and that is to give thanks. 

That is because there is still so much 'thrill' and joy in the act of living, and I have so very much to be thankful for. In some ways the past year, my daughter's first, has been one of the hardest, simply because adjusting to becoming a mother was way more difficult than I anticipated - despite it being something I had always wanted. Lack of sleep and worry have taken their toll, and I still find myself frequently irritable and out-of-sorts. This kicks off a seemingly endless cycle of exhaustion, irritability, mini-melt downs, and guilt, as I constantly work to get better at adjusting and not 'sweating the small stuff.' 

Well, I now know what it will take to break this cycle, and that is gratitude. I am certain that the guilt I feel is because of the sharp contrast between the many blessings in my life, and my frustrated (sometimes angry) reaction to some small - and not-so-small - problems. 

Don't get me wrong- the idea is not to force myself to be grateful no matter what. Rather, even while in the midst of the frustrations of daily life, I aim to be grateful about the good things because I want to acknowledge that those feelings are always there, though the negative ones come and go. If I am ever to step out of that truly vicious cycle, I need to tap into that beautiful energy filled with goodness and grace. If I were to die tomorrow, I would want everyone in my life to know how grateful I am to them for helping shape who I am today, and for the amazing life I have led so far.

How will I go about this? Well, by saying thank you, of course! But this time saying it 'out loud' through words, letters, phone calls, and my writing here at BCB. There are so many books and 'gratitude projects' out there whose intentions and results are truly inspiring. However, though I have no intention of crafting my own 'brand' of gratitude practice, I need to do this my own way. As of now, I have purposely not read much about any of these projects and publications so that I can stay original and true to myself. 

Here are the simple rules I lay down for myself. 

Staying true: Doing my best to think of the best way to thank someone, then doing it as soon as possible.

Staying open: Just focusing on expressing the gratitude, not writing the 'perfect post' or thank-you note. 

Staying flexible: Though my aim is to post everyday for the remainder of 2018 (hence the 'staying open' rule) being aware that it may not always be possible, and that's okay. 

Staying accountable: Through making my writings public (check) but also accessible to all my family and friends.  

So, here goes. I know that there will be ups and downs, and that it will not be easy - probably very difficult on some days. But we all know that nothing worthwhile is ever really that easy- and when I think of a life and mind filled with love, thankfulness, hope, and grace, that is no contest compared to where I am now.

With Love,

Renata

*****

May all beings be happy!

I'm going to make that 'Gratitude' label grow! :)

I am a 'bad' Buddhist

In many of my posts I try to use an even, careful tone. This is because I do my best to not assume anything about whoever may be reading BCB and be as inclusive as possible. When I think about the fact that someone who may be searching for information about Buddhism actually happens upon this blog, it is truly humbling. 

However, please do not mistake this statement as an attempt to portray myself as pious or somehow spiritually 'accomplished'. Despite the careful written tone, I do get angry sometimes. Sometimes I feel frustrated and resentful. I can be self-centered and speak harshly, even to those I love. It is often difficult for me to calm my mind and to be grateful for what I have. 

Being pretty familiar with human nature, I also guess that I am probably like many other people.

But how could this be, since, after all- do I not claim to be a Buddhist? Shouldn't I be able to meditate for hours and generate waves of compassion towards every sentient being? Shouldn't I have quenched the internal fires of anger and silenced the biting mental criticism of myself and others? Aren't I a more evolved human being, a gentle, wise vegetarian whose few words are full of love and meaning?

Though this caricature of a 'Buddhist' may seem a little over the top, I do wonder if this kind of imagery has not somehow crept into the collective psyche.  

Why do I say this? Though my experiences may be anecdotal, they are supported by independent events that assert the 'Buddhists are better' stereotype. For example, an outraged acquaintance (who was unaware I practice Buddhism) was discussing atrocities committed by Sinhalese against Tamil people in Sri Lanka*. She ended her statement with a breathless exclamation - ". . . and they are BUDDHISTS!" More recently I have heard similar statements regarding the Buddhist majority in Myanmar versus the Rohinga Muslim minority*. On a personal level, I recall on several occasions being chastised by family members for becoming angry or impatient being punctuated with, " . . . and you're a BUDDHIST!"   

Although I have heard similar exclamations hurled towards holier-than-thou Christians, this bizarre 'higher standard' regarding Buddhists does seem quite pervasive. Is it a bad thing? Probably not terrible, but it may prevent non-Buddhists from seeing Buddhists in a human (and more accurate) light, which could be disillusioning and damaging to mutual understanding down the road. 

So though I don't know how to approach (or even if others have experienced) this 'Saint Buddhist' phenomenon, I will say that in light of the standards by which others may view Buddhists I am definitely a 'bad' one, anger, impatience, harsh speech, meditational ineptness and all. 

However, I can only hope that my readers and those who know me personally would realize that these are the many reasons I practice Buddhism, that its ideas and precepts have been incredibly important aspects of my personal journey, and really have helped me become a more patient, more compassionate person. I have also learned that no matter what our background or philosophy, we are all unified by the simple aspiration of being our best self- Buddhist practice is just one of the many ways of working towards that.

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Have you experienced the 'Saint Buddhist' phenomenon (or even espoused this view)? Feel free to share in the comments!

May all beings be happy!  

*For some people, these topics may elicit strong emotions. I am only mentioning them to make a point regarding expectations about Buddhists around the world, and not to assert (or dispute) anything about the conflict/s themselves. 

The moment is now

A while ago a dear friend was lamenting the fact that she had not yet found someone to spend her life with. She felt that time has been ticking away, and was also frustrated with the fact that she was 'still' a graduate student. Exasperated and clearly struggling to show a brave face, she exclaimed, "I keep wondering when my life is going to begin!"

This admission surprised me, simply because I have so much admiration for her. Not only talented, intelligent, and hard working, she has a kind heart. She has traveled the world and has had many work and life experiences, which also makes her incredibly interesting and fun to talk to.

So I couldn't help but be taken aback- How could someone who has so much to offer feel this way?

Then I remembered that she was not the only one. A few years ago (also while working on my graduate degree) I also felt like my life had somehow stalled, and that I was in a pretty deep rut. In fact, I remember thinking those very same words!

Of course, having these thoughts is not unusual, and I am sure that many people feel this way every so often. Fast forward to now, almost everything in my life has changed, with some adjustments having been easier than others. Though I no longer feel that I'm in a rut, or that my life has 'not begun', I do sometimes long for simpler times.

Having now seen both sides of this perplexing coin, I am reminded of a short post I wrote the same year I started BCB. It was about climbing the hill near the apartment where I lived during graduate school, where at the end of a long day my tired mind would chant, "almost there, almost there" as I hauled myself up that long hill. After being exposed to many great writings about mindfulness, I decided that it was important to not focus only on the comfy apartment waiting for me, but to also acknowledge the many moments that comprised my effort to get there. I felt that this approach potentially carried a lot of merit with all types of journeys, be they physical, spiritual, or emotional.

As time goes on, we are bound to encounter many peaks and valleys- such is the nature of life. But no matter where we are or what we're doing (or how 'stuck' we may feel) our lives all have begun, existing here and now in the present moment- the most precious of all gifts.

"The present moment contains past and future. The secret of transformation, is in the way we handle this very moment." Thich Nhat Hanh, Understanding Our Mind, 2006
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May all beings be happy!

Why the idea of 'minimalism' makes me chuckle

Over the past few years I have admired those who have pared down their possessions to live a simpler, less cluttered life. In this effort, many people have succeeded in becoming debt-free, less driven (and burdened) by 'consumerism'; perhaps even healthier. The 'minimalist' movement has had such an impression on me that I have also begun to follow suit with my own approach, which I like to call "Living Simply". 

However, the humor of this societal (and personal) transformation has not been lost on me. 

Reading about people living in one room with just a futon mattress and a few clothes (or going completely nomadic), I have noticed an unmistakable tone of pride and accomplishment. No doubt this is because people are excited about what minimalism has done for them, and wish to encourage others.

But what makes me laugh is that back in the day, these "lifestyles" of frugality were the norm. In fact, for most people it was what was called living (we also know that this- and even less- is still the norm for millions in the developing world).

According to many minimalists, the benefits of choosing minimalism include promoting sustainable living and reaching out to those in need. I believe these benefits are real. Since this is a choice within our current conditions (which are relatively cushy), there might be some justification for those attempting to live more simply to give ourselves a tiny little pat on the back.  

But I would also say not to take ourselves too seriously. Instead, I think it best  to just be thankful for what we have right now (and the choices we have), without attachment or aversion. After all, for those of us fortunate enough have access to education, vaccinations, safe water, and religious freedom, these things, while not physical possessions, are all 'things' we like to have- and would not want to part with. 

So in regarding paring down my possessions as some great personal accomplishment, I will remain cautious. Although I might feel 'skilled' in my effort to live with less, making this effort while in the midst of such abundance and stability also gives me yet another opportunity to smile amusedly in spite of myself.

"Whatever precious jewel there is in the heavenly worlds, there is nothing comparable to one who is Awakened." ~ The Buddha (Sutta Nipata) 

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What are your thoughts about the current trends in minimalism? What quirks have you noticed?

May all beings be happy!

'God is watching us'

A short while ago, my husband, daughter, and I were spending time with a dear friend. Ever philosophical, our friend has previously disputed the distinctions made between the myriad of deities that people call 'God' (or Goddess, as the case may be).

In fact, he goes as far as to facetiously call them 'brands'. Given the divisive manner in which many in the 'spiritual' hierarchy with a lot to gain (and a lot to lose) play the 'my god, your god' game, this description resonated with me.

But last time we spoke, he put a more personal spin on the discussion. Looking at our little one sitting in her high chair and smiling as she gummed a Cheerio, he reminded us of the truth that we know so well but don't often consider: no matter where we are or what we are doing, she is always watching us, and learning from the things we do.

Of course children have watched and learned from their parents since time immemorial, and other species do the same. But the our friend's reasoning was based on his rejection of the notion that some omnipresent 'being' is constantly checking up on us, weighing our good actions with the not-so-good. In his view there is really no need for such surveillance, because it is already an integral part of family life. "She will do what you do and say what you say; she is your conscience and a clear, pure reflection of you as a person, not just as a parent. 'God' is watching us through our children's eyes."

Whether someone is agnostic, deeply spiritual, or spiritually ambivalent, I feel this idea is an extremely powerful (and for parents, perhaps universal) reminder to be mindful of our thoughts, words, and behavior.

When watching after yourself, you watch after others. When watching after others, you watch after yourself." ~ The Buddha (Samyutta Nikaya)
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What did you think of this post? Is there a reminder that you use in your daily life to steer yourself towards wholesome conduct? Please share in the comments!

Delight in heedfulness! Guard well your thoughts! ~ The Buddha (Dhammapada) 

May all beings be happy!