The end of the milky way

A while ago my daughter and I reached the conclusion of our breastfeeding journey. Although I am content with the reality that this represents the natural progression of her growth and development, letting go was certainly bittersweet. Looking back, I am happy to now have a little more freedom in my daily routine, yet miss the quiet moments of closeness as I put her to bed each night.  

Of course, I will be the first to admit that this journey did not start out all unicorns and rainbows. As someone who has earned a Ph.D. and also tackled some other major challenges, I would have never imagined that learning to successfully breastfeed a newborn was one of the most difficult things I had ever done. Even with no issues with tongue ties, illness, or milk supply, the beginning was excruciating, simply because my body was in so. much. pain.  

After bringing our daughter home, I sat in the glider chair with her cradled in my arms, crying tears of physical and emotional exhaustion. With the knowledge that my poor husband had in the middle of the night ventured out to the only 24 hour pharmacy for emergency infant formula, the fear and shame of failure hung heavy around me. 

In that moment, little Lotus Blossom started at my sobs, looking intently for the source of the sound. Our eyes met. She looked at me so deeply that I could not believe she was just barely three days old. It was then I knew we could do this. With renewed determination, I found a way to temporarily work through the pain and make us both as comfortable as possible. Most importantly, I also silently resolved to get help. Given the state in which he had left us, my husband came home and was surprised- and probably very relieved- to see things had improved a little.

From that time forward, there were still many, many difficult moments and days. At eight weeks I was ready to quit, especially with the knowledge that breastfeeding was recommended for baby's first year- it just seemed so impossibly far away. But it did get better, and with time, patience, and help from a great lactation consultant, breastfeeding became easier, and yes, even peaceful and fulfilling.

After we put our very sleepy and well-fed little Lotus Blossom to bed without her bedtime milk feeding, my husband and I were nervous. Ready for any sounds of protest coming from upstairs, we sat at the kitchen table together. I told him how grateful I was for his constant support and confidence. I was also so very grateful not only that I persisted, but also for our daughter's resilience and ability to adjust. It was my job to observe her to see what she needed and gently guide her there, but only she could take the next step, and she did so with flying colors.

We are now on the other side of that 'milky way' and, although it was difficult at times, I know that this journey has changed me for the better. I also know that the way we did things was not the only way there is, but I am grateful for our personal journey and the support we received along the way.

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This post is part of the daily gratitude practice I am working to develop during 2018. Curious? You can read all about it at ByChanceBuddhism!

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May all beings be happy!