These days I am struggling.
There are so many things I want to do with my life, and since finishing my degree last month, I finally have the time (and freedom) to do them!
Most of all I would like to . . .
Get a job teaching college students Plant Biology and Biology, strengthen my meditation practice, strengthen my body through fitness, and write about my questions and discoveries about the Dhamma here at BCB. I also would like to study Tamil, my husband's native language, so that I can communicate with and feel even more comfortable around his family members.
However, I remain undisciplined. I also feel very tired. I think my body and mind might be trying to recover from the stress of the past year. I discussed this with my husband, and he said I can't be recovering forever. I reminded him that it's only been a month. He smiled as he remembered that and agreed.
He also told me that he worries. He wants me to be independent, both financially and as an individual. I am touched by his sincerity and confidence in me. He is not threatened by my independent nature and free spirit.
But I still feel lost. For the past six years there has been so much pressure, so many expectations that now I don't know what to do. I have accomplished something great, yet I was so focused on reaching my goal that anything beyond that appeared to me as a blurry apparition. And it remains so.
I want to take action, to take the bull by the horns, but feel almost like a ghost, not able to grasp anything. The weeks fly by, and I accomplish little. Trying to tap into whatever intuitive wisdom is within my reach, I feel the answer somehow lies in backing off, letting go, being present -- and being patient.
Nonetheless, it still feels all mixed up, and I haven't the slightest idea how to proceed- or even begin.
I know that in the future I will look back at this post and smile at my worries, showing once again that as long as one takes mindful action, things usually turn out for the best.
But for now I just don't know how to get there.
If you have any advice to me about this situation, please share with me in the comments. I always look forward to insight and wisdom from others, and would very much appreciate it!
May all beings be happy!